I discovered the music of Bruce Springsteen 4 years ago.
and get addicted 100%.
I discovered it so late becuase at 40 years old I made peace with my old Demons.
they Like it too and smiling we dance the songs all together.
The song named "Something in the night" really quiets the demons and I can finally feel some pleasure.
that's the perfect moment to kiss my wife.
Back of a printed picture from 1983
too hot to go oustide.
so listening to some classical music and then fugazi.
laying on the sofa reading a book about reincarnation.
damn it's so fucking hot.
the newspapers say my town is the hottest in the whole country.
The upstairs neighbors are arguing about something I really don't know, just hearing the wife screaming loud.
she's so obnoxious.
damn it's too hot to go outside.
start listening to classical music.
I would like to stop it sometimes. most of us want
we think time goes forward but this is not right.
times is circular
the beginning is the end and the end is the beginning.
time is a privilege.
but we are angry at it becuase we change through it, we grow old.
time has no mercy.
time has no end.
time exists right here and now.
no past nor future.
time is not passing, time is happening.
we are all moving through it and it is shapng us as it pleases.
it only wants to play with us.
I have a real bad habit
I stare at people
I lose myself in watchhing people
mouth and eyes wide open
it's like if I focus on people I can see their lives, their habits, their environment, their fears and dreams.
and it happens everyday, my wife always tells me to stop because it's embarassing.
I met a medium years ago
she told me I have psychic powers, but I don't know how to use them
I don't know....
"There's something that I think I should tell you all- I'm not feeling very well. And I haven't been for a while. Something inside me has jumped the track; I'm confused, I'm not thinking right, I'm not sleeping right and I- I just don't think that I'm complaining about this, or- or asking for your help. Because there's nothing anyone can do about it. It just happened and that's all there is to it, but I... I don't know what I'm gonna say, from one minute to the next. I don't know what I'm gonna say. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. Do you understand that? And I know this is coming at a bad time for everyone, but uh, there's nothing I can do about that. I'm tired. And I uh, I don't, I don't, I don't see things the way that I used to: Everything, everything, everything's fucking strange. And it's just completely out of control, and I'm frightened. And maybe if you all could give me some real help, you know that would be...And not...not your pity, or generosity, but some help, take a look at me! I know __?__, if I can't, if I don't say this now, I may never say it. Everything is going very fast, it's going very very fast, completely out of control. And if I don't say it today, tomorrow may be too late. I may be too crazy to even know how crazy I really am. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do! And something has happened to me and I'm very lost. It doesnt stop. It's not getting better! I don't get better! I'm not getting better! It's just going on, and it's going on, and there's nothing that I can do about it. And it's not stopping. It's not stopping."
When I was 11 years old I got caught stealing from the offering’s basket at the church.
Technically I didn't steal nothing, I was covering a friend of mine that was stealing.
I really don't remember what we were planning to buy with that spare change
here's a list:
•my friends started smoking cigarettes
•tickets for the amusement park
I felt guilty.
but I had a lot of fun.
money is the Devil's shit.
Pitch black darkness is my greatest fear.
i just can't stay in a total picth black place without references like depth and size of the space.
I don't know why but i go mad.
the total absence of perspective, freezes me, I just can't move.
It's like I can't run anywhere.
Maybe this fear is related with fear of dying.
maybe it's something deeper.
Anyway It really scares the shit out of me.
why when we grow up and get older do we become more anxious and scared?
what's the point?
we earn in experience and wisdom.
I think there's a truth, an only point of view in all this.
we are afraid because we understand that dying is an experiece we are going to have alone.
what a joke life is, isn't it?
we are born with no understanding of what we are experiencing
but at some point in life we understand what a beautiful and tragic experience life is
So we grasp for encouragement.
we take protection in love.
because being loved is the rewarding victory in all this madness.
My grandparents owned a small bar back in the days.
it was mostly a place for old men to go to drink, play pool, cards and smoke a lot of cigarettes.
i saw really funny and horrible things there.
so to me the line between right and wrong, good or evil is pretty thin.
alcohol and poverty is a a huge trigger and easy to pull when you are not sober.
the bar was famous among boxeurs,
so it was named the Boxeurs's bar.
''And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death."
the first person I lost was my grandfather.
he took care of me when I was a child.
I was 21 and he got sick.
he had cancer.
I truly believed he would survive.
he lost his speech function.
I used to go to the hospital and shave his face and wash his hair.
he smiled at me because he thought I was a bad barber.
He was a really patient man.
after his death I moved to California for some months.
I still remember the smell of the rooms at the hospital.
I started smoking at 15.
it was horrible.
but like all the idiots at 15 I thought I was much cooler and it gave me a sense of brotherhood.
damn how much my body had to suffer to be ready for that shit.
I smoked for 25 years.
1 pack a day.
20 cigs and when i was anxoius, most of my time, almost 30 per day.
I quit cold turkey.
I don't miss them, i see people smoking like fools with crazy stuff in their mout inhaling what?
but the most difficult addiction to quit is:
try to stop eaitng sugar.
at 13 I got in too many fights for my age.
I grew up in a small neighborhood ruled by drug dealing and prostitution.
so i changed many schools.
everytime, at some point I had to fight someone, and this bugged me so much.
I lost a friend due to heroin.
he stole my bike to trade it with a dose.
that was the last one.
two prostitutes lived nearby my house....but this is another story.
i didn't have the love of my parents.
i lost them too soon.
I'm still looking for them
and everynight i pray for their souls.
i dreamt my mom surrounded by angels in a wonderfull light
and my father with an all white tuxedo suit telling me to go because i'm free, and that asshole smiled back at me.
i know they were really in love.
they burned too fast.
i'd really love to have a phone call with them.
and let them know that everything is fine , fucking heavy but fine.
and i find myself, pouring rain on my head at dusk on a hot summer day.it happens once in a lifetime.I'm here.don't forget me. MM
they say that hell is crowded, yet,
when you’re in hell,
you always seem to be alone.
& you can’t tell anyone when you’re in hell
or they’ll think you’re crazy
& being crazy is being in hell
& being sane is hellish too.
those who escape hell, however,
never talk about it
& nothing much bothers them after that.
I mean, things like missing a meal,
going to jail, wrecking your car,
or even the idea of death itself.
when you ask them,
“how are things?”
they’ll always answer, “fine, just fine…”
once you’ve been to hell and back,
it’s the greatest satisfaction known to man.
once you’ve been to hell and back,
you don’t look behind you when the floor creaks
and the sun is always up at midnight
and things like the eyes of mice
or an abandoned tire in a vacant lot
can make you smile
once you’ve been to hell and back.
“Lost” by Charles Bukowski, from Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame
Have you ever been bullied?
maybe because i was skinny and pale.
but i always fought back.
at school, on the playground.
at 12 i had to change house.
so I tryied to get friends in the new neighborhood.
but i was unwelcome
I fought every single kid around.
and made good best friends.
I still asking myself why i had to get friends that way.
my mind is constantly streaming data and information.
sometimes all this becomes so unbereable I have to quiet myself.
so I need SILENCE
it's not so easy to find.
nature itself is not silent.
people are scared by silence.
so I wait till 3 in the morning.
where everything stops for few minutes.
that is SILENCE.
my mind stops.
i found myself and enjoy that frame where black birds go to sleep and pigeons are not yet awake.
oh my God Love!
so hard so good so stereotyped.
cliches are easy.
Love is a "go for it" mission
it's so difficult.
love is so personal.
and the toughest part is knowing that is going to end.
It scares me just thinking about it.
sometimes we really find our soul mate. at that point, after eons and some reincarnations you know you are FUCKED.
A feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety of someone.
Have you ever wondered " what the hell am I doing here?!"
damn. that's bad.
at some point it means that I really don't recognize myself in this society.
something is missing in the big picture.
i'm suffocating here by the rules, by the good intentions and all the stereotypes.
it's all so scripted.
last night i was walking trying to take pictures of the trees near by my house.
I saw a woman half naked walking from the sidewalk to the center of the street and do a somersault, then get up and disappear in to the night.
"And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves."— Matthew 21:12–13